On Conversations with a Higher Power

Hello.

I haven’t really talked to You for the longest time. I guess lately I just have trouble believing… not in You of course, but in the plans that You have for me. Most times I just find it crazy how things turn out. Usually You’ll lift me up to cloud nine, then let me free fall back down, without warning and with nothing to break my fall.

You have made me resilient. Countless times I stand once more, stronger after each descent.  Yet the routine plays like an old broken record singing the same requiem. It is getting tiring.

I’m sure that cross was a tiresome burden too. I’m positive my load is not as heavy as the world on Your shoulders, yet like You, sometimes I would think it would be much better if this wasn’t the life I ought to live, my cross to bear. I guess You can understand me on that.

Before, I always prayed for things to turn out better. I would wake up, hoping that it would be the day when I can really really smile. You see, my happiness has always been spiked with sadness. It is like a dangerous cocktail - a momentary bliss followed by a drunken stupor and a serious hangover. Now, I just pray to survive all the cocktails life has to serve me.

I’d be lying though if I said there was not a faint little part of me still hoping for the better. I’d be lying if I told myself it makes sense to believe in You but not trust in what is in store for me. So I guess I am talking to You right now to let You know that I still believe in You… that the only reason why I get up after each fall is because no matter how I have already blinded myself to the idea of a happy ending, it is faith in You that makes me see the light… and though endings don’t always turn out the way we want them to be, what matters is that I guess I try to be who You want me to be… and even in the times that I fail to be that person… You still love me… and in the end, maybe, that is what matters after all.